


Masks

by HyperKid



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Caduceus is their other sunbeam, F/M, Fluff, Found Family, Gen, Jester doesn’t understand what she means to the Nein, Jester’s perspective, Multi, So much trauma, Survivor’s Guilt, except Caduceus, hurt comfort, they never fucking talk about things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 04:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18335768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperKid/pseuds/HyperKid
Summary: Jester worries when she sees Caleb rubbing dirt on his face in Felderwin. She’s not expecting him to see right through her masks too.





	Masks

**Author's Note:**

> HK: So I started this in January with the sure knowledge that no matter how long it took, THESE ASSHOLES NEVER TALK ABOUT ANYTHING so it’s evergreen.   
> Mollymauk: Well, that proves it. You’ve been paying attention.   
> HK: Hush my love. You never talked about shit either.   
> Mollymauk: Hey! I... encouraged conversation when needed?   
> HK: You made innuendos and got everyone naked.   
> Mollymauk: And THEN we talked!   
> HK: ... Maybe that’s what’s been missing?   
> Mollymauk: Naked and boiling always helps.   
> HK: I realised I don’t write a lot from Jester’s point of view, so this was a fun test for that too. She’s a lot deeper than people tend to think.   
> Mollymauk: Happy people are always hiding something, darling. Even if it’s just the secret of why. 
> 
> WARNINGS!! Angst, woe, Caleb Widogast, Jester doesn’t understand what she means to the Nein

Jester crouched in the dust and ash, a worried frown twisting her face. 

 

“Caleb?” 

 

The wizard glanced up from where he knelt, his face streaked with dirt. He winced a little as her brow creased, and returned to staring at the ground. 

 

“What is it, Jester?” 

 

The tiefling drew a slow, shaky breath, trying to steady herself. They were all rocking now. But to see Caleb hiding himself in mud again tugged at her heart. Now she could see what he was doing. 

 

“I just... I want you to know that you don’t have to do this, you know?” She reached out hesitantly to touch his elbow. A little reminder to herself; he was here. He was real. Her real friend. 

 

Her real friend in pain that she couldn’t heal. 

 

He jumped, almost flinching from her touch and suddenly there was a sting of tears in her throat. She forced it aside, leaning around into his field of vision again, giving him her best smile. 

 

“You don’t have to hide. Or cover yourself up in a dirty mask.” She kept her voice soft, gentle. She didn’t know a whole lot about helping people with problems like this, but the last thing she wanted was to scare him away. 

 

Something in her words caught his attention and his gaze locked onto her face, the intensity of his stare momentarily taking her breath away. 

 

“Then what is it you’re doing?” He asked quietly. Strong emotions roughened his voice a little and he reached out with a shaking hand to brush her cheek. “Do you think this isn’t a mask?” 

 

Her smile faltered, caught and unable to argue. No one had really asked before. The Mighty Nein assumed that as long as she was smiling and laughing, she was at least going to be okay, even if she wasn’t at the moment. Smiling was easier than working out the darker things she felt. 

 

But she couldn’t ask Caleb to put his mask down while she wore hers. Fighting back the smile pulling automatically at her lips, ready to reassure him she was perfectly alright, she sighed softly. 

 

“Alright... but... but I think your problems right now are a little more important than mine are.” She didn’t exactly know what her problems were, not really. And if even she didn’t know what they were, no one could help her fix them. But she might be able to help Caleb. 

 

Right now Caleb looked like she had slapped him. Staring at her in wide eyed shock, and pain, and a hint of... regret? His hand dropped from her cheek and for a moment she wanted to catch it, wanted to keep his touch. He looked away, back to the ground, his voice low and gruff. 

 

“Jester, there is nothing about me that is more important than you.” He said the words in such a resigned way, as if she should know it and believe it that it brought her to the edge of tears. He couldn’t... he shouldn’t think of himself like that. How could he think he wasn’t important. 

 

“Caleb...” but the tightness in her throat choked her, cutting off the words. Probably for the best; neither of them were in a good place to try and articulate that. Filing it away for later, she shuffled closer on her knees, reaching out hesitantly to touch his shoulder. Ready to pull back if he did. 

 

“Caleb,” she tried again, drawing in a deep breath, “you are very important to me. And I’m scared that right now you’re trying to hide from me again, and I don’t want you to.” Tears welled in the corners of her eyes and she scrubbed them away, not wanting Caleb to see. Not wanting him to blame himself. 

 

Caleb made a soft, almost dismissive noise, but didn’t pull away this time. That was all the excuse Jester needed to lean into his side, resting a little of her weight against him, ready to take his on her. If he didn’t want to look at her, he didn’t have to. But she would be happy to have any part of him close right now. 

 

It took a few moments for Caleb to speak again. Normally Jester would have tried to fill them, found some babble or something happy to try and cheer him up. To invite him to put on her mask for a while. But now she sat in silence, waiting for him to be ready. 

 

Hoping he could take his off to match her. 

 

“Jester... I am a broken, garbage person,” he finally said, his voice so tired and weighed down it took a conscious effort not to pull him into her arms, “and I have a great many problems. But you... you are not. You are wonderful, and full of life and happiness, and I do not want to see you become like me.” 

 

A low whimper forced its way from Jester’s throat and she turned to hide her face in the side of his neck, not caring if it dragged her horn across his shoulder. One of Caleb’s hands came up to rest gently in her hair and he kept going, his voice low and soft. 

 

“I am very good at putting my problems deep inside where they do not hurt anyone else. You should not learn that. I can’t teach you how not to do it, but I will tell you when you are. You can always come and talk to me.” 

 

He was trying so hard to be thoughtful and generous and kind, she knew. Saw how he still hadn’t addressed her first concern. All it did was knot in her chest and lodge in her throat and make everything tight and horrible. 

 

But she couldn’t push him. Not after the day they’d had. She tucked her feet up under her butt and curled into him. Perhaps... if she could be open with her feelings, he might trust her enough to do the same. 

 

“It’s hard to think of my problems as being real when I see you and Nott and Yasha,” she whispered, her voice too cracked to go any louder. She felt Caleb’s back stiffen, muscles knotting, and ducked her face into his neck. 

 

Stupid. So stupid, she always said the wrong things when it mattered. An ash stained hand moved slowly to caress her cheek and Jester reluctantly leaned into it, forcing herself to meet the wizard’s eyes. 

 

“Jester,” he said softly, his eyes still shuttered but with a kind of sad warmth she wanted to tear out and throw away, “do you not know how precious you are to us? That any of us would not want to hear when you have a problem?” 

 

Frustration surged through her and she huffed, tossing her hands in the air. 

 

“But that’s the problem! I don’t want to complain about my stupid little problems when there’s actual real serious stuff to deal with!” Her eyes burned with a hot rush of tears and she rubbed them angrily. For once though, Caleb didn’t flinch away from the show of temper. 

 

He caught her hands, thumbs rubbing slowly across her skin. 

 

“Jester,” he said softly, his tone commanding her attention, “listen to me, ja?” 

 

She had a dreadful feeling that she was pouting, but nodded, turning her hands in his. He waited a moment longer to check she wouldn’t argue. 

 

“Your problems are not stupid,” he told her quietly, his thumbs never still on the backs of her hands, “and they are not less important because you have had a happy childhood. You have been through a lot in these past months with us, more than most of us. But I don’t think you understand what you mean to us.” 

 

Her brows drew down, mouth opening to argue, and Caleb raised a hand and cut her off. 

 

“You said you would listen.” 

 

Jester mimed locking her lips together with the hand he’d released, reluctance warring with her need for Caleb to know she was taking him seriously. That she could be a good listener for anything he wanted to say. 

 

Again he paused for a second to ensure her compliance. He seemed to be struggling this time, searching for the words as his gaze tracked across her face. Finally he sighed softly and leaned in, pressing their foreheads together. 

 

“You give us hope, Jester,” he murmured, eyes closed, too close for her to focus properly on his face, “you give us hope, because if the world can produce someone like you... someone so pure, and kind, and happy, then it can’t all be shit. And if we can protect you, and keep you safe and bright and untainted by all the garbage, then we have something worth fighting for. And there might... be hope even for garbage like me to be something worthwhile.”

 

Tears spilled from the tiefling’s eyes, her whole body beginning to shake as her hands rose slowly to Caleb’s hair, cradling his head and holding him to her. 

 

“Don’t say that,” she hissed, her throat tight and choked with sobs. “You’re not garbage, Caleb. You’re not.” Unable to force out the words, she pressed a dozen fleeting kisses across his face, wishing she could make him believe it. Knowing she couldn’t. 

 

He stayed unmoving, letting her do what she wanted and mostly just waiting for her to finish. Finally she slumped against him again, her shoulders shaking with sobs. His arms came up slowly to wrap around her, holding her close. 

 

“We need you, silly girl,” he murmured, gently stroking her hair. “Your problems are real. They do not diminish ours, but nor are they diminished by them. I may not be the best person in the world for this, but if you will allow me I will help you.” 

 

A moment of understanding crept through Jester’s mind, but she couldn’t help the slight huff. 

 

“I want to help you, Caleb,” she muttered, her voice cracked with strain and tears. The wizard flicked the top of her head. 

 

“Then listen. You can help me by letting me help you. By letting all of us help you. By letting us make sure you are okay to keep filling our worlds with sunshine.” 

 

She mulled it over a while, settling into the comforting familiarity of his arms. She thought she knew what he was doing; keeping himself out of the spotlight, stopping her from talking about his problems by talking about hers. But that didn’t mean that what he was saying wasn’t true. 

 

She sighed softly and twisted to peer up at him, mindful of her horns. 

 

“If I promise to let you help me to help you, will you let me help you to help me?” 

 

Caleb’s lips moved slowly as he worked his way through the question, bringing the faintest hint of a smile to Jester’s. Caleb’s matching smile was almost painfully sad. 

 

“If I think of anything you can help me with, you will be the first to know.” 

 

She thought about calling him out on the lie. But technically it wasn’t, not really. He just wouldn’t count helping as anything like what she would. Instead she leaned up to place another kiss on that sad smile. 

 

“Okay. And you’re not allowed to call yourself garbage anymore.” She raised a hand before he could argue, her eyes narrowing. “I don’t care if you think it’s true. I know you don’t love yourself like we love you but that doesn’t mean I love you less. And I don’t like when you talk about yourself like that.” 

 

He watched her for a long moment, wheels spinning behind his eyes. She did her best to stay firm and still, catching her tail between her fingers so it couldn’t twist and betray her. Finally his gaze softened and he sighed, pressing his forehead to hers once more. 

 

“I wish I could see what you see in me, Blueberry.” 

 

With a frustrated little puff, she blew his hair back off his face. 

 

“I’m trying to tell you but you don’t listen.” She was definitely pouting now and he chuckled softly, shaking his head. 

 

“I am beginning to hope that you never listen to me,” he sighed, fingertips tracing her lower lip. “I don’t know what I would do if you looked at me like...” she felt him stiffen under her hands, realizing what he’d said. That he’d said too much? She didn’t know, couldn’t begin to guess, and it hurt a little inside. She’d have to ask the Traveler. He always knew, even if he didn’t tell her. 

 

For now, she pulled on another smile and nipped the pad of his finger. 

 

“I’m not known for my good listening skills,” she teased, pretending she hadn’t noticed his reaction. He stayed tense, uncertain, and she sighed softly, letting the mask drop again. “I wish I knew why you’re so scared,” she whispered, shifting closer to hide her face in the side of his neck. She knew he didn’t like eye contact. 

 

Very slowly, one of his hands began moving again, up and down her back. 

 

“One of the things I am most scared of is that you will find out.” It was barely even a whisper, barely even an exhalation of breath, and it seemed to cost him everything. He crumpled in on himself as if expecting her to pull away, or to hit him. 

 

It stopped her first reaction, and her second. Her fingers tightened in the back of his coat for a moment, fighting the urge to pull him into her lap and envelop him. 

 

But she didn’t know what to do. 

 

She didn’t know what scared him so much, what could ever be so bad that it would be scary to even know. She didn’t know why he was scared, if he thought she’d look at him differently, or run away, or want to hurt him. If he thought she wouldn’t understand, and she couldn’t, and she didn’t. She was terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing, of making him believe he was right. That he couldn’t trust her. That she wasn’t safe. 

 

Indecision paralyzed her, but after a few long moments Caleb hadn’t pulled away. He seemed... content, at least, to sit with her, holding her in his arms. Gradually she began to settle, relaxing into his warmth through his coat, the steady rhythm of his breathing. After a moment she sighed again, shifting closer. 

 

“I’m scared of losing you,” she admitted softly, fingers playing in the long hairs on the back of his neck. If he could say it... his hand stilled on her back for a moment, then began to move again. 

 

“Scared of being taken away again or scared of losing me like...” Like Molly. The name hung in the air between them and Jester’s grip tightened instantly, her heart racing. Sudden panic gripped her chest and it was an effort not to crush the wizard to her. 

 

“Both,” she whispered, her voice cracking. One of Caleb’s hands found its way to her hair, stroking slowly through the short blue curls. It soothed her a little and helped her uncurl. Her tail had wormed its way around Caleb’s waist at some point without her consciously noticing it, pushing below shirts and sweaters to lie against his skin. He didn’t seem to mind. 

 

Caleb cleared his throat, his grip loosening on her a little. Knowing that he’d been as affected as her soothed her a little more and she nuzzled closer, pressing into his touch. She didn’t care if she bruised. She didn’t want him letting go even a little. 

 

“I cannot...” Caleb paused, arms tightening automatically as she pushed into him, a slight smile twisting his lips. He cleared his throat, tried again, his voice still strained. “I cannot promise you that nothing will ever happen to any of us.” 

 

Jester’s first impulse was to protest, to argue they’d always take care of each other. But today she was listening, staying close. Caleb may have noticed if the brief squeeze was anything to go by. 

 

“I cannot promise that nothing will happen,” he repeated, pressing his cheek to the curve of her horn, “but I can promise you that for as long as I am able, I will always come for you.” 

 

He sounded... certain again, the way he usually was when he was talking about magic. Jester twisted a little to look up at him, resting her horn on his shoulder. He looked blurry, and as she blinked she realised no, that was her. Tears began to trickle down her cheeks. 

 

“Do you promise?” In contrast she sounded completely unsure, lost and alone and about five years old, to her own ears. Caleb’s arms tightened around her again and he smiled softly down at her. 

 

“On my life, Blueberry. I won’t let anyone take you or the others from me.” 

 

Feeling settled in a way that she hadn’t all day, Jester nuzzled her way back into the side of his neck. 

 

“I won’t let anyone take you away either,” she promised, fingers tracing lazy patterns across the sleeve of his coat. “We’ll all be together, forever and ever. And... and if anyone dies, we have a diamond now. I can bring them back.” It was a slim thread of hope, and one heavy with guilt and the irrepressible knowledge that it wouldn’t always be enough. 

 

But it was something to hold onto. 

 

Caleb gave her another gentle squeeze. 

 

“All the more reason to keep you close,” he murmured, resting his cheek against her horn again, “I do tend to go down rather easily.” 

 

“Not only in combat,” Jester agreed with a snicker, enjoying the rumble in Caleb’s chest when he laughed. 

 

“I don’t tend to need a diamond for that.” He paused, giving her a gentle squeeze. “Your mask is not so bad.” 

 

Jester thought about it for a little while, then reached up and brushed a smear of dirt from his cheek. 

 

“It’s not really as good at hiding identities as yours, though.” 

 

He caught her wrist, raising her fingers to his lips. 

 

“You have not needed it to. I hope you don’t feel like you need to put it on with me anymore, though?” 

 

She pretended to think about it, poking her fingers into his mouth. 

 

“Maybe if I feel like you need cheering up or like you’re too busy.” He gave her a very stern look while sucking on her fingers and she laughed. “But I promise I will come and talk to you if I think of anything to talk about.” 

 

He bit her gently and she pulled back with a giggle, wiping them on his cheek. 

 

“You can’t be mad, that’s what you promised me.” 

 

He opened his mouth to argue, paused, and sighed, shaking his head. 

 

“You know I just want you to be safe, yes?” 

 

“Yeah.” Jester sighed softly too, leaning back against his warmth. “Did you mean what you said?” 

 

“All of it. But which part do you mean?” Caleb asked, slipping an arm around her waist more comfortably. Jester looked down, twisting her fingers through his scarf. 

 

“When you said I gave you hope that everything wasn’t shit. That’s kind of a lot of pressure.” 

 

Caleb made a soft sound of understanding above her. 

 

“It’s not meant to be pressure on you. It just means... you should not think less of yourself because you did not have a hard time growing up. Nott, and Yasha, and Beau, and me, we know about the bad things in the world. We have seen all the shit. But when we see you, you see all the beautiful things. All the light, and the fun, and the good things we forgot about looking at the shit. And that is important, Jester. I never expected to smile as much before I met you.” 

 

A tiny smile tugged its way across Jester’s face and she giggled, reaching up to poke Caleb’s cheek gently. 

 

“You smile a lot when you’re with Nott, too,” she pointed out, twisting her neck up to look at him again. Caleb smiled back and tapped her on the nose. 

 

“I do. But the two of you together are... something to behold.” 

 

“We really are,” Jester agreed with another happy giggle. She did feel more... settled. They still hadn’t talked, hadn’t really resolved anything. But he knew she was watching. Knew she cared. Knew she wanted to listen when he wanted to talk. 

 

And maybe she felt a little better about her own problems too. She hadn’t wanted to think about them, to try and wrap words around the monsters in her head. It all seemed so... small, next to Nott’s troubles. 

 

She hated to feel helpless. Hated knowing that the people she loved were in pain she couldn’t fix. But if she could help... if she was helping, by being with them and laughing and finding the joy in the world, well. It had to be better than nothing. She tucked her tail closer around Caleb’s waist, playing up the side of his chest, skin to skin. 

 

Maybe there’d be time for the rest later. 

**Author's Note:**

> HK: I’d say I’m making a dent in my “to write” pile, except I’d promptly start another two things and make myself a liar >.> much love, everyone! Standing bet of $50 says Jester’s mom has no idea she was kidnapped


End file.
